


Five More Reasons Not to Be Dead

by goldenthunderstorms (PotatosaurusOfBroadway)



Category: The Gentleman's Guide to Vice and Virtue Series - Mackenzi Lee
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares, References to Depression, alcohol mention, angst that ends with fluff, but percy tries to support him, monty is depressed, they're clueless gays trying their best, this was mainly self-indulgent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-19
Updated: 2018-08-19
Packaged: 2019-06-27 03:36:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15677235
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PotatosaurusOfBroadway/pseuds/goldenthunderstorms
Summary: About three weeks since their adventure, Monty is struggling with his thoughts again and Percy wants to help somehow.





	Five More Reasons Not to Be Dead

**Author's Note:**

> I really wrote this for my own self-indulgence but this tag is d e a d and maybe someone else will enjoy it?

Monty and Percy had been in Santorini for three weeks. Felicity had parted with them after only one week, heading back to England with her own plans, she'd said. Monty could not deny that he missed her already. However, as he and Percy began their life together, Monty was entirely happy. Or he should have been.

Some days it was hard. Most days it was hard. Their first few days alone were wonderful, blissful. But soon they had to return to the real world and put food on the table. Percy began looking for work and playing his violin for money. He insisted that Monty heal entirely before finding work, so Monty tried to be useful at home. That’s when it began to get hard.

It started with nightmares. Nightmares full of horrible visions: some were made up but most were memories. Memories of his father, of highwaymen, of Percy’s fits, of a puzzle box, a thieftaker, of Helena Robles, of a half-dead woman and a duke with a gun. He always woke with a start in a cold sweat before burying closer to Percy, thankful that Percy was a heavy sleeper.

Following the nightmares was the exhaustion and the numbness. It grew difficult just to get out of bed in the morning. Monty was just so _tired_ —but it was more than that. He felt empty and numb but his body felt too heavy to move. The only thing that got him up was Percy. Monty would wake Percy with a kiss and a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. He would rise and assist Percy in getting dressed. Monty would see Percy off with another kiss. After Percy left, however, Monty would return to bed, feeling incapable of anything else.

Despite his tiredness, Monty could not sleep. He would lay there with his thoughts and watch the window until it was nearly time for Percy to return home. Monty was always up and trying to do something useful when Percy got home. It was the least he could do after being useless all day.

But then one day he wasn’t. Monty had been too lost in his mind to notice the setting sun or the open and shut of the front door. Monty did not realize Percy was home until Percy was kneeling by the bed and was whispering in Monty’s good ear.

“Monty? Are you alright?” Percy asked gently.

Monty startled and rolled over to face Percy. “Of course, Perce.” He said with an empty smile as he sat up.

“Are you sure?” Percy tentatively reached up to hold Monty’s cheek.

Monty flinched at the touch. “Absolutely,” he replied weakly, turning his face away.

Percy’s eyes scrutinized Monty’s face as he retracted his hand. “You don’t seem alright.” He murmured. “Won’t you tell me what’s wrong?”

“Nothing is wrong, darling.” Monty insisted. He laced his fingers with Percy’s. “I was merely tired. I had trouble sleeping last night.”

“Why is that?”

Monty quickly shifted the topic. “It must be near evening now. How does dinner sound?”

Percy grimaced, “Monty—”

“Percy,” Monty cut him off, his voice pleading. “Let’s just move on.”

“Alright,” Percy squeezed Monty’s hand.

Monty sighed, kissing Percy’s forehead. “Thank you.”

* * *

 

After a stiff dinner, Percy offered for the two of them to go out to the beach. Monty agreed and the two of them found themselves sitting at the shore, their feet in the water. Percy holds Monty’s hand tightly, routinely brushing his thumb gently over Monty’s knuckles. Suddenly, Percy wrapped an arm around Monty and pulled him close, pressing Monty’s back to his chest.

“Monty?” Percy murmured in Monty’s good ear, his nose pressed to Monty’s cheek.

Monty shivered at Percy’s breath on his face. “Yes?”

“I know you said to move on but—”

“Percy!” Monty groaned despite leaning back into Percy.

“Darling,” Percy replied gently, his voice strained.

Monty’s resolve crumbled at the name. He used it far more often than Percy did but whenever Percy _did_ , Monty practically melted. He sighed, “Yes?”

“Is it nightmares?”

Monty stiffened, “What?”

Percy swayed them slightly. “I just want to know. Please, Monty, you know we don’t do secrets. Not anymore.”

Monty couldn’t help being soothed again at that. It comforted him somehow, Percy acknowledging that they’d both messed up with each other before, even though Monty knew that he had messed up far more. “I know.” He replied quietly.

“So will you tell me?” Percy brushed his lips over Monty’s neck.

Monty only nods.

“What are they about? Your father?”

Monty nods again. “Partly.”

“Would you tell me what else?” Percy pressed a lingering kiss to the crook of Monty’s neck.

“Just our past few weeks.” He said softly. “It was a lot and now that it’s over, it almost feels like too much.”

Percy nodded slowly. “They must be quite awful, your nightmares.”

“What makes you say so?”

“You haven’t been yourself lately. I have been wondering why.”

“I did not think you noticed.” Monty whispered.

“Of course I noticed, darling.” Percy looked up at Monty through his lashes. “You think I wouldn’t notice how different you’ve been acting?”

Monty stammered, “I wasn’t aware I was acting so differently.”

Percy only hummed in response. The topic died out, neither man speaking until the sun set and they made their way back to their apartment.

* * *

 

Monty was plagued by nightmares again that night. They were focused around Percy; his fits, their fights. He was haunted by horrible scenes of Percy deciding Monty was more trouble than he was worth and leaving, or worse, of Percy dying. Monty woke up panting, gripping the sheets and immediately checking to be sure Percy was still there. He pulled himself close to Percy, tighter than ever. He had to remind himself that Percy was still here.

“Monty?”

Monty swore under his breath. “Yes, darling?” He replied quietly.

“Is everything alright?” Percy pulled Monty close, enveloping him in his arms.

“Absolutely, bloody fantastic.”

Percy didn’t respond to that for a moment. “Nightmares again?”

Now it was Monty’s turn to hesitate. Percy wanted to comfort him and deep down, Monty wanted that too. But a part of him still felt the need to say no, that everything was fine, and to tell Percy to go back to sleep. Monty could practically hear Felicity calling him an idiot—which was easy to recall.

“Yes,” Monty sighed.

“What about?”

“You.”

“Me?”

Monty laid his head on Percy’s chest. “I just . . . had to remind myself that you’re still with me.”

“As if I would ever leave you.” Percy combed his fingers through Monty’s hair.

 _You almost have before._ Monty wanted to say but he didn’t. They were past that and Monty wasn’t bitter. But he knew Percy could and would leave him if he wanted to. It was only a matter of time in Monty’s eyes.

“Hey,” Percy lifted Monty’s chin. “You know I’m never leaving you. Do you truly believe that after countless years together that I would tire of you when I am finally with you how I’ve wanted for so long?”

“Even if you won’t leave me willingly, I still worry that you might.”

Percy grimaced. “I can’t make any promises about that.”

Monty sighed, “I know.” He laid his head back again, staring at the ceiling and keeping his body twined with Percy’s. “I don’t know what I would do without you. Die, probably,”

“Now, now, don’t talk like that.” Percy scolded gently.

“Why not? What do I have without you, Perce?” Monty asked. His thoughts were becoming frenzied, too much for him to filter. He just wanted it all to spill out of him so he could be rid of the voices in his head. “Nothing,” he answered for Percy. “I have nothing other than you.”

“Has this been weighing on you, darling?” Percy rubbed Monty’s back.

Monty didn’t answer the question. “I would be dead if not for you, Perce. I might as well be if not for you. I’m good for nothing else.”

Monty wasn’t sure where this sudden speech was coming from. He just couldn’t take it anymore. With no alcohol to drown the feelings and with Percy right in front of him, holding him and trying to comfort him. It all came spilling from him now.

“Monty, that isn’t true.” Percy said sternly.

Monty didn’t respond. “Hell, I’m not good for anything.” He muttered. “I don’t know why you haven’t left yet.”

Percy took Monty’s face in his hands, searching Monty’s eyes intently. Monty wasn’t sure what Percy was looking for but he met Percy’s gaze evenly. “You haven’t been drinking, have you?” Percy asked quietly.

“I wish,” Monty snorted.

Percy wasn’t amused. “I don’t understand, Monty. Where is this all coming from? I haven’t seen you like this since . . .” _Since you got kicked out of Eton._ Monty finished in his head.

“Well I don’t know.” Monty answered simply. “I certainly don’t feel the same as I did then. I’m less sore.”

“Monty,” Percy scolded. Monty knew Percy hated it when Monty joked about his father like that but he couldn’t help it. If Percy wanted to talk about these kinds of things, he had to expect Monty to joke. If Monty didn’t, he would probably break down right then and there.

“Sorry,” He muttered anyway.

Percy traced the pad of his thumb over Monty’s bottom lip, frowning. “You said you’re less sore but . . . do you feel the same as you did then otherwise?”

Monty knew what Percy was asking. Monty shut his eyes, not wanting to see Percy’s face when he nodded. He could practically feel Percy’s disappointment, flood with a shame only Percy and his father could invoke in him.

“Oh,” was all Percy said. He looped his arms around Monty’s waist and pulled him close, not saying anything else.

Monty didn’t dare speak now. He pressed his face into Percy’s shoulder, his breathing shallow. He felt on the verge of tears, piling more shame on him.

After a long, tense silence, Percy spoke: “Get some sleep, okay?”

“Okay.” Monty whispered.

* * *

 

Monty woke—later than usual—to an empty bed. He panicked; Percy was never gone this early. Even if he had decided to set out early, he would have woken Monty to say goodbye before he left. Monty was struck with the fear that Percy had left, that last night had been a tipping point that made Percy realize Monty was more trouble than he was worth.

Monty sat up, glancing around frantically. His gaze fell to a single parchment on the desk and his mind went straight to the horrible possibility of it being Percy’s letter of farewell. Monty imagined things along the lines of _Dear Monty, I’ve grown tired of putting up with you and have decided to leave you for dead_ as he approached the desk and picked up the letter with trembling hands.

It wasn’t what he expected. At the top it read:

_Five More Reasons Not To Be Dead—_

Monty stopped right there, grabbing the desk to steady himself.

  * _Because I’d have no one to keep out of trouble_


  * _If you weren’t here, there would be no one who is worse than me at cooking_


  * _There would be no one to hate Richard Peele with me (WE HATE RICHARD PEELE)_


  * _You’ve made it this far without dying, so obviously there is a reason you are still alive_


  * _I love you so damn much and if you were dead everything would be dull and lonely and the bloody worst_



_So don’t. Don’t want to be dead and certainly don’t be dead._

Monty laughed, threw his head back and laughed as tears built in his eyes.

“Good morning,” Percy appeared in the doorway, holding two cups of tea. He set them on the desk.

Monty hastily wiped at his tears, still giggling.

Percy smiled and pulled Monty into his arms. Monty melted into the embrace, sobbing and laughing and being an overall mess and Percy held him.

“I thought you’d left.” Monty admitted.

“I wouldn’t dare.” Percy whispered, pressing his lips to Monty’s forehead. “Because one day we’re going to make one more of those lists and we’re going to write it together.” 


End file.
